i can't think,
manage,
desire and cultivate.

as if being doused by
the wet blanket
of grown-up issues
and grown-up problems
disengage everything else.

as if the very notion
of creativity is just
a notion,
lacking
feeling. like understanding
death but still taking
in oxygen.

i once had dinner with a woman,
who was eight years older than me.
it was a platonic date; she
was a lesbian.

she asked how old i was, i said
i was 22.
then i quoted abbie hoffman
because
i thought i was clever and hip.

i quoted, i said
"he said: 'dont trust anyone
over 30.'"

and i asked her how old she was.
"the age you don't trust.
30."

i thought i was clever,
but i didn't know what 30 was.
just a foreign number that
represented
things i was unable
to accept.

i'm not 30 now, but
if you round up my age
then i'm closer to death.

and i told her,
walking in the children's
section
of a well-lit bookstore,
that i was suffering from
writer's block.

she said, "i've
been suffering from
writer's block for
eight years."

and maybe i
couldn't trust her.

she was 30 years old,
had an internet girlfriend
from philly. had a beret.

but if you subtract eight years
from 30yrsold. then you had me.

and i didn't want to be her.

and i trusted that feeling.

now i'm 26, feeling 50, acting eight.

for the life of me,
i can't produce, create.

and i think maybe,
it is better to be delusional
than to accept a dream
as just a charming distraction.

it might be better to not trust
what you don't understand,
than to gain experience and realize
it's not worth understanding.

i'm pounding the keyboards,
wasting ink on half-thoughts,
walking with ideas
that vanish when i sit.

maybe you can't trust me,
and maybe i'll be sitting down
and i'm telling you what's right
and what's logical. you'll
be sitting down next to me.

if you follow my advice,
you'll be right and
sound and you'll be
30.

but it's worthless,
because we'll invariably
understand death and
i'm getting too
old to discuss disgust,
like a drunk former-prom king
at a high school reunion
covering up his bald spots.