there is this sick ass feeling in the pit of my stomach and i know it has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with control and hopes and the expiration of said hopes. i think everyone is aware of what is "right" or at least the definition of "right" for the context of the situation you are dwelling on. but "right" doesn't necessarily mean anything worth aasdlfjalk;jfal;kjdflka;jfdl;kasjdlkf;ja slkd;jfalsk;jfa;l ur032u09ququ

For Saturn, Visiting A Friend On Her 29th Birthday

Saturn, why hello there.
Where the hell have you been?
As expected as your arrival,
we still can't prepare for when.

Brought along bricks and mortar
to build around her ardor
but you can't take away the strength
that's been there for her father.

Your esoteric intent collides with
her moment of truth
and I can't supply a thing but
a hope that things improve.

You're visiting me as well,
I can feel it in my bones.
I can feel it in a heart that
glows in the dark when I write poems.

I was drunk and I was broke
and I almost took my life
in an island where I had thought
I found my future wife.

I'm still drunk, but now more tough
because I've taken my lumps
but out of the ashes are the people
who deserve my fragile love.

One of them is turning 29,
and I know she's doing fine
though it'll only make sense
in the context of a lifetime.

So wish her happy birthday,
she'll do it live and she will thrive
(and I'm alive and I am fine).
You were there in
France 1980 and in NY 2009
and we'll see you in 30 years
after more mountains have been climbed.

i'm a little bit country, i'm a little bit rock
contrarian rock! fidgeting my shaky hands i posted on xanga today for no reason except that it felt appropriate?

now i'm here on another site i'm neglecting.

i think what triggered it has been the weirdest reason for a descension into panic button mode. what triggered it was my friend telling me dennis richmond retired of all things. and that happened in may. it wasn't as if he told me and i dropped to my knees, looked at the sky, shook my fist upwards in feverish histrionics. it was kind of like "what in the world, really?"

after further research, apparently dennis richmond's final broadcast was a ratings success and now he has moved on to grass valley with memories of talking to rosa parks, nelson mandela, covering the '89 quake, polly klaas and many more major bay area news stories forever etched in my mind and my childhood. dennis richmond retiring hit me more than my 28th birthday that "what we are" and "what we wanted to be" can dominate our opinions and feelings about "who we were". when i found out dennis richmond retired, it was like opening up an old scrapbook of memories i have held onto while moving forward.



when my dad visited me last year he said that it was surreal being where he grew up after so many years. to him, it was like "Back to the Future 2" where everything is where its supposed to be but different. some buildings were torn down, some places were built. it was like he went to the future. without having to travel. i looked at my dad and thought man what a mindfuck.

i am an angry dude.
i don't stay composed when drunk, i make stupid declarations with the urgency of a building on fire. i second-guess things i do and make sure not to step on any toes, which assuredly causes me to step on a bajillion toes.
i refrain from small talk and suddenly dig deep on some psuedo-significant quasi-philosophical bullshit. my love knows no bounds and holds no restraint. the world has stamped brands on me that i endlessly try to scrub but know when it will be gone i will miss them. i wanted to kick you off your high horse but realized you were riding a donkey. insignificance is thwarted by a magnifying lens and all those tae kwon do lessons have done me no good for situations like this. last year was tremendous, this year will be great regardless of the end of the world. just keep your posture poised, darling. the kids are watching.]

my aim is true.

about awareness


days divide
-between your presence
and the lingering scent you leave
-between the air i
exhale and shared oxygen we breathe

and surviving
is still a priority
igniting
the want to need

stars align
making plans for
the day that we die
inbetween plans you
make while alive

but the rest is
spent on action
for the legacy
we have in mind

eyes eager
about awareness
lips wonder
where your lips went
your hips sink ships
with a shake and a twist
(the space between us
is where dreams exist)

but can this not be out of the question?

our plans converge
(in opposite directions)
"whats the science," he asked
"natural selection"

and so days divide
between days dividing
this space in time
that our paths are crossing
is like an opium dream
where dullness is serene
until days multiply
between now and goodbye

i've been writing a lot and only one person has read it hopefully you will all read it one day. when i am done.